Here Cums Success

To Whom It May Concern,

Attached please find my resume in consideration for the Assistant to Mid-Size Sales & Distribution at the Nissan dealership next to Vivid Video in the Valley. I am recently laid off from my job at M.A.C. Cosmetics for putting half a bottle of hot sauce (Osama bin Laden's Heat-Seeking Fuck Missile-flavored from The Grove hot sauce stand to be exact[ing]) into the tester bullets of "Swollen Purple" lippystick, and as a result, I desperately need a new source of employment in order to support my weblog How's We Met, as well as my Netflix Three-at-a-Time DVD rental plan.

I consider myself skilled beyond most mortals' beliefs in the fields of administrative assistance, as well as sales. I have a strong feeling that most of the Vivid Video girls -- Jesse Jane, Jenna Jameson, Kobe Tai, and Tera Patrick amongst them -- will want to not only buy mid-size sedans from me, but fraternize with myself and my inner circle of co-workers at the dealership. After making initial contact, myself and my chosen work partners will proceed to undress, fondle and make love to these heretofore unobtainable women in a variety of positions, most of which I am certain the majority of the Nissan Sales Staff had never thought possible, either due to lack of imagination or excessive girth around their lower abdomen, groin and thigh areas.

After toweling off, I will proceed to close a series of deals with not only the stars of Vivid Entertainment, but the executives and assistants at the company, making sure that they know that Valley Village Nissan is the premier destination for new and used Nissan sales and service.

I look forward to scheduling an interview to discuss the position further, and I advise you to proceed with haste, as I have several offers at a variety of mall kiosks and three regional Spencer Gifts locations, where my extensive knowledge of blacklight installation and maintenance would serve the company well.

Best Regards,




Dick Cheese