
After a dry spell of creativity, mostly due to scraping jissom from a plate in a Scandinavian prison -- the prison guards are the one you have to look out for; the prisoners are mostly heroin-addicted professors who are more focused on uploading their lesson plans to the University of Phoenix online so their TA's while have something to work off of during the videoconference classes. After doing these "pet tricks" for a little over a year, I was released on my own reconnaissance, provided I track down Urlof's wife in the Wal-Mart she was supposedly helping open in N.E. Siberia and put a bullet in her skull. He paid me upfront (the fool), so I skipped town, hopped the first bullet train to Little Tokyo (any one will do), and beat feet for the nearest In-ternet cafe. In my time in the pen, I only managed to dole out one transmission, a negative review of the David Cronenberg film "Eastern Promises". We screened it during "free night" when a transmission of a European Basketball Association game accidentally went on the fritz. Unfortunately for me, I was looking forward to seeing the Green Circles play the Ice Cream (somebody needs to fire that Anglo-to-Euro team name translator). Luckily, the one jail guard who wasn't in the business of making me eat men's sperm off of various Ikea dishware (I swear, a few of those devils used to order one of each item from the homeware section). Side note to my secretary -- remind me to write a letter to the president of Ikea and reprimand him for publishing a completely new catalog each month with over sixty new dishware items in each issue. Good for your product-hungry consumers, bad for your work-a-day prisoner who is forced to lick "come" off of them for the amusement of European perverts with too much time on their hands. What's that you say? You're not my secretary? Well, what the devil are you then? A barista? I'll be damned if that's a real word.
Anyways folks, I balked for a second there, but I can go all night if you want me to ;) Eastern Promises was hastily loaded into the Playstation 2 we were still forced to use as a DVD player, and we all snuggled into our Lacks to watch Gandolf from Two Towers take on a gang of Russian mobsters for the chance to win a baby's hand in pre-cognitive appreciation (Maria Bello swore he'd remember when he was 'round six). I had traded a carton of Gitanes and my last pair of "used" Levi's for a pen and paper around the fifteen minute mark so I could jot down a devastating review and mail it to the director's agent (some Hollywood hack, no doubt), thereby ensuring that she would fire M. Cronenberg and hire me to direct some magical Hollywood science fiction claptrap. What's that? My coffee-boy is talking to me in English. Don DeLillo you say? Well, do tell me it's Ratner's Star. Hmmm...that'll probably be a pass for me then. My good man, do tell me how I can access America Online here and how much that will run me? OK, great, yes. Username is PerotRollerblader33. Yes, the ending number IS a euphemism for butt-fucking. You're a smart little Nip aren't you? You don't like to be called that anymore? Since when? World War 2.0 you say? Fair enough, I recant that last derogation, but do be a dear for me: look up the URL h-t-t-p, that's Heather-Thomas-Teardrop-Palestine followed by colon forward mark, forward mark. World-wide-web unicron, how it was that we met-dot-blogspot and then a dot and a com. Yes, I'm looking for the review I wrote of the David Cronenberg movie "Eastern Promises." I paid a German mechanic to transcribe it in the King's English and upload it to this site. He was a boy no more than fourteen, but he managed to transfer all of the toilets in our gang shower to the Sloan waterfree system. Brilliant lad. What's that you, say? There's no review of "Eastern Promises" on my website? Well, what's in its place? A review of something called Jersey Shore? Why would anyone know or care what that is? And you mean to tell me that's the last thing posted on this site for over a year? I thought I gave my password out to two of my most trusted writer-friends. Harumph. Well, be a dear young Japanese boy and tell me how many hits my site has received since I've been away. I bet the publicity we've gotten by listing our website in Hotbot and Lycos has driven the traffic to upwards of a million hits per day. Well, go ahead, I'm waiting for the results. Don't be shy now.
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